Wednesday, November 16, 2011


     I move so quickly from assurance, from confidence and comfort, to fear. I can be enjoying every aspect of my life, full of gratitude and a wholesome sense that all is well, and with one small alteration to my plan or expectation, my mind flips to catastrophe. I go from believing that everything is great to feeling sure that I won't be able to survive. And I am capable of doing this multiple times in the course of a single day.
     When I have landed on the fear-side, I talk myself back to faith. I coax and re-assure and am slowly restored to well-being. I relax and feel happy and hopeful again. And then something triggers me, and like a gun-shot, I am off again, and again...
     I'm tired of feeling the fear. I know intellectually that everything always works out. My whole life has proven that to be true. And yet, I want to fix things before they are even broken. I want to fix things in advance that could break, to save myself the trouble down the line. I want guarantees on my own terms, and somehow get to thinking that everything in its entirety is up to me. I forget that other people are in the mix, and God, and time, and the unseen and unknown web of life. My expectation of disaster and punishment is no more realistic or practical than my expectation of a smooth ride with no problems. Things will happen that are surprisingly pleasant, and things will happen that are surprisingly challenging, but through it all I will grow and learn and become ever more forgiving of myself and others and life in general.
     What happens is not up to me, even if I think it is. There are other factors involved that I cannot foresee or understand. So I can let go of what I can't hold onto anyway, and continue to remind myself as many times as it takes that it's faith I want to focus on, and not fear.

I catch myself flip-flopping from feeling good to feeling afraid, and bring myself back to feeling good. I am patient and gentle with the slow process of learning that it's not for me to make everything perfect in my life or the lives of those I love. There's always more to it than just me. I can relax and enjoy the ride.