NO GOING BACK

     Change is unsettling. There is a desire to back paddle to what we knew, and where we have just come from. Even if we didn't like it, it was familiar. Something about the unfamiliar feels dangerous, as if it has the power to topple us entirely, to disintegrate all that we have spent so long getting in order in our lives and in our minds, like the tower-building-game, or houses made of cards. We have invested so much work in getting right with our current situation, and then the whole thing shifts in a moment, in a second, in a day. It is the collapse of all we knew, and a flat landscape, a fresh start. Not knowing how things will play out or how the change might make us feel as we go through it is almost nauseating. It seems as if we are being thrown into a wash cycle and that we will spin and spin and never stop.
     Yet much as we might want to retreat and go back, we cannot. A return to the old as it was is no longer possible. We have glimpsed other pathways, and lived them briefly, and we will never be the same again. There is nothing for it but to plunge onward, to fumble as we must, and to accept that we are likely to feel uncomfortable for a while. If we bring enough awareness and courage to it, perhaps we can embrace the uncomfortableness, and have fun with ourselves and laugh as we bluster through our adjustment the best we can.
     Patience has never been my strongest suit. I am action oriented, quick thinking, efficient. I find it excruciating to dip, and wade, and slowly meander through life situations. I want to be there already. I want to understand what's required and get it done, then move on. Yet change requires great patience, and a whole lot of letting go. I am allowed small moments of clear seeing peace but live through hours of blind discomfort, not understanding, wanting to fix how I feel and knowing there is no fix, only the process, the process... the process of letting go of the familiar and grieving it, my wrestling mental journey with its new expectations, the faith, the fortitude, and all of my fears.

I accept the path of change. I allow myself to be emotionally messy, and frequently confused. I am unsure going forward, but there is no other way to go. I step forth with all the courage I have, and trust in my faith.