MARTYRDOM COME AND GONE

     Every so often, when I get worn down by a little too much life happening and all of the things I feel I have to do, I get into martyr mode. It's not a happy place, or productive, or particularly useful in any way whatsoever. It's quite dark, and full of budding resentments and hair trigger irritability. I feel myself there and resist it... don't want to be where I am and feel how I feel, but I'm unsure how to pull myself out of the martyrdom muck.
     I think the truth is that it's part of my personal alarm system... a code red that requires some attention. I'm burned out, and dried up, and it's my responsibility to recognize that and take the necessary steps to replenish my spirit. For me, what's usually required is some solitude. I get over full with people and all the love and care I have for them pouring out of me and their needs and wants and desires and ways I can be helpful, and I put my own needs and wants back and away, out of sight, to be dealt with later. When my martyr mode comes along with all of its internal angst, later has arrived. I must consider what I need, or I will spill my punishing frustrations all over the world.
     The challenge for me is taking the time I need without guilt, when there is work to be done and things to accomplish, when anyone I love might be struggling and need me to cheer them up, or listen, or encourage, or inspire. But I can't help with a dried up spirit, not really. I can only drive myself further into depletion, and then I'm no good to anyone.
     So it's ok to take my time. It's ok to need solitude and relish it. It's ok to love people, and its ok to need time and space away from them. If I honor my need, then I come back refreshed and rejuvenated, and we are all better for it. The martyr in me is quieted and I am restored to delight in my work and pleasure in my life.

I take the time I need, when I need it, for my soul's restoration. I take it without guilt and without apology.

OBSESSIONS

     Obsession with anything creates a problem in our lives because it weights us too heavily to one psychological spot. Obsession with being too healthy makes us unhealthy in a way. We become inflexible with what we allow ourselves and easily judgmental of those who care less than we do about what they eat and how they live. Being obsessed with being healthy and avoiding sickness at all costs may even draw sickness to us.
     Obsession with being thin and body perfect leads to feelings of inadequacy if we cannot physically get to wherever we think we should be. Four pounds the wrong way on the scale can send us into self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness. Obsessiveness in intimate relationships generates clingyness and need in one partner and feelings of suffocation in the other. Obsession with being in control leaves us angry and bitter because there is so much that is out of our power range, no matter how hard we push.
     There's no payoff for obsession that makes it worth it. Being consumed with one thing or another to the exclusion of all else makes us old before our time, and closed to broader perspectives. It's an out-of-whack way to live: no balance and no internal peace. I choose fluidity and ease. I prefer life as a loose fitting garment rather than a straight jacket. I've been wrapped too tight for most of my life.

I let go today and free myself from all of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical obsessions and addictions. I catch myself hooked in to circuitous thinking and hamster wheel action and stop. I return to right here and right now and give myself a break.

TRUSTING THE BODY

     I've observed that many people seem to experience fear around the functioning of their bodies. Fear is fixating. It locks us into a position of inflexibility and negative expectation. We become sure of the worst that could happen, and we become over dramatic. There is a sense that our physicality will somehow turn against us, that it cannot support activity at all, or any kind of raised intensity; that it will kill us or cause us pain, that it is safer and happier sedentary and still, and that healing comes through lack of use.
     In almost all cases, I disagree. I believe in therapeutic movement. I believe in the right kind of movement for each body, each imbalance, each structural deficiency, and each injury. I have fears surrounding economic insecurity, the happiness of my children, and the active and potential behaviors of other people, but the body is one thing I do trust. I trust it knows just what it needs, and speaks to us if we will only listen. I believe it has an innate ability and drive to heal itself, and that it will continue on vibrantly for a long time in spite of our neglecting and abusing it, but that ultimately it cannot thrive without care and appreciation. And that includes the way we think about it, and our level of trust in its strength and stamina.
     Constantly molly-coddling our daily physical conditions and over-blowing them makes for a body much like an overprotected child. Let's allow our bodies to romp and be playful and find their movement. Let's not limit them with the fear in our minds, else they will be small and wilted and lack courage. They will be ever-unsure and have no knowledge of their very real potential. Let's trust our bodies and work with them to achieve great vitality and great energy and strength beyond our wildest dreams.

I treat my body with appreciation and respect. I trust it to be capable and strong and self-healing, and to let me know what it wants and needs. I pay attention to what it has to tell me. I let it move and stretch and express itself.

 

SAVOR THE DAY

    Being part-way through a process frustrates me on some level. I like to gulp my problems like a dog gulps his dinner, as if I could get to the bottom of the bowl. But when one issue is resolved, immediately on its tail comes the next one, and the next.   
     I want to find a way to relax throughout the process. I want to lose my urgent have-to-get-it-done right now right-this-minute edge. I want to enjoy my efforts while they happen instead of looking at some distant point on the horizon and believing that there, at that special place in the future when all the work is done, I will be whole and happy and completely fulfilled, and I can relax at last. Only trouble is, when the work is done, so is the journey. The journey is the work. When it's over, so am I.
    

I slow down today and remember to savor my life.

THE POWER WITHIN

     The ability to pick oneself up by the bootstraps, to cultivate drive and purpose deep within and express it in productive ways externally is an art form no less than sculpture or painting. We are all capable of it, whether we know it or not. It's the creative fountain, the idea when all ideas have run out, and the enthusiasm beyond exhaustion.
     Let's dig deep today and wake up to our own inner power. Let's recognize that we carry our motivation within us, and that we can breathe it up at any time. We can accomplish great things. We can face what comes with assurance, knowing that we have a fire inside of us that's limitless. It's ours to ignore or explore as we choose.

I breathe deeply and draw upon my inner power.

SPREADING CARE

     It's a worthwhile practice to leave things better than we find them, and maybe to leave people better than we find them as well. Our presence can be a drain and a destruction on others and on the environment, or it can be like a gentle soaking rain, full of blessings and relief.
     It's easy to be hard on things, to break them and make a mess, to be careless and hap-hazard with the way we use them; to leave them lying around or not properly cleaned after use. And it's easy to be hard on people in somewhat the same way, careless and hap-hazard with our emotional output and consideration. It takes attention to be thoughtful, and I believe it requires a fair amount of self-respect as well. How can I possibly treat people and things with kindness and respect if I have none for myself?
     I will take good care of myself today, first and foremost, and then I can be caring with all of the individuals I encounter, and all of the things I encounter as well. I will leave every aspect of the environment I occupy today better than when I found it.

I am careful not to be a destructive force in the world. I commit to being thoughtful and considerate. Things and people are better for my encountering them, not worse.

DELIGHTFULLY ROUTINE

     I love my routines. I look forward to the predictability of the order in which I choose to do things, and the process I have developed over time for the inclusion of all of my daily duties. Routines stabilize me and ground me.
     And whenever something new comes along, it doesn't take long before routines are created around the newness, to accommodate it and hold it down in my world like tent stakes. I discover something I like and make the decision to add it to my daily and weekly experience. It quickly becomes an old friend, come to comfort me, and nurture my soul like the hug of a person I love.
     In short breaks between clients, I walk down a long bank of beautiful trees and delight in the ways they change throughout the seasons and in different shades of daylight, and the way they never change at the same time; how they stand like sentinels along the path. I do specific stretches and exercises every morning to loosen and limber my body, and different ones at night. My body looks forward to them and so does my mind. I say prayers. I pack my breakfast and lunch every night for the next day at work. I curl up in a certain way when I am ready for the night's long and healing sleep.When there is no structure, I create one like scaffolding; a place to hang my security and steady my boots.
     My gratitude today is for routines and for sensible ways of getting things done, for the comfort of repetition, the easy accommodation of ever changing demands, and the supportive structure of the daily maintenance of my health, my spirit, and my whole life.

I appreciate the routines I have created to make the daily activities of life as simple and enjoyable as possible. I appreciate all the ways they stay the same over time, and all the ways they change.