THE LURE OF WHAT IF...

     "What if" are dangerous words and we over-use them, sometimes silently, in our own minds, and sometimes out loud. It's all speculative, all conjecture, often fear inducing, and sometimes panic inducing as well. We wonder what if disease? What if death? What if destruction? What if pain and suffering and abandonment and betrayal? We seem to travel most frequently to the possibility of catastrophe and disaster.
     But we can get lost in the other direction as well. What if fame and glamour? What if we win the lottery? What if we rule the world? Whether we "what if" on the up side or the down side, it's a losing game. We rob ourselves of the moment and of being right here and right now. We fret and worry over the unborn and the unlikely. We fantasize away our lives.
     Lets catch ourselves at the "what if" game and bring ourselves back to wherever we are. Let's wake up to the day, the moment, the heat of the sun, the energy of our bodies, and the light of fall. Let's shut down the fantasy projector in our minds and look around us where we stand. Let's breathe in and breathe out with consciousness. Let's be careful gardeners of our own messy minds.

I pay attention to what IS not what IF. I free myself from worry and projection.  

LIFE

     Life is so much a journey from one thing to the next. We have a sense that all will be well and we will be ok, and be able to breathe and relax and have fun and take a break from it all... just once we get past this- one- thing... whatever challenge we are currently dealing with. But if we could only find a house to buy becomes getting approved for the mortgage becomes fixing it up, then moving, then adjusting, then the car breaking down, the new job, the illness, the parental issues, the test results, the weather, the unknown. It never stops. There is always something to challenge us and grow us. We survive one thing and here comes the next. I have wasted so much time wanting to be on the other side of difficult things.
     Let's stop projecting beyond the challenge we are facing and find a way to be ok now, no matter what is happening. Let's surrender to the moment and the small joys in front of us, to the unknown, the unseen, and the unexpected. Instead of feeling exasperated and overwhelmed with now what? let's be ok with whatever. Let's say ok. Let's welcome what comes and be willing to experience it... even if we don't understand why...

.I stop waiting for hardship to end and accept it as part of daily living. I accept the path of life with all that it entails. I am willing to take it in stride.

ECONOMIC FEAR

     Money remains one of my spiritual stumbling blocks. I live with a certain amount of financial fear and it weighs me down. The subject of money makes me tense. I feel as if I live teetering on the edge of economic destitution, and that my stability is precarious at best, which is not really true, but it's where my catastrophic thinking takes me. Every time it seems as if I can get ahead, some unanticipated expense comes along and washes me back.
     This gives money tremendous power in my life. It becomes a kind of God, to be awed and feared both. I allow my financial state to affect my mood and my ability to enjoy the day. And yet, I have lived long enough to know that I can survive economically in this world by a certain amount of creativity and hard work. It's not a fancy life, but it's solid and satisfying.
     I'm tired of giving money the power I give it. I want to disempower it. It want to let it be what it is- a form of currency, a method of exchange- and no more and no less. My bank account does not determine my worth. I know in my heart what true riches are, but I brush them aside and easily discount them in the face of bills to pay. I let the bills rule me and scold me and make me feel small.
     Going forth, I want to let money be money and keep my perspective. I am willing to bring attention to my attitude and work on it. I'm going to catch myself losing peace over life's expenses, and keep my sense of humor. I'm going to let the coffer fill and empty as it does, and watch it with a certain amount of curiosity instead of fear. From privilege to bankruptcy, I have always had a roof over my head and food to eat. There is enough. I can be happy with more... or less.

Money does not have the power I give it. My happiness is not determined by my bank account. Today, and every day, I make sure to enjoy the real riches of my life.

GATHERING WISELY

     One of my favorite things to do is to collect small, pretty, growing things that catch my eye while I'm out on a walk. Grasses, wildflowers, weeds, berries... the selection changes with the seasons and my mood. Winter batches are some of the best. Once home, I arrange the day's collection in small vases and place them around the house. And these vases restore my soul every time I look at them. The colors and textures inspire me. They remind me that there's more to life than the petty frustrations of daily living in the modern world.
     Some of the arrangements last for a long time, and some of them appear wilted and sorrowful after only a day or two. But even as they wilt and change there is beauty in the color and the lines. I like the shapes and shadows, the dropping leaves and fading brightness. This simple practice brings me great joy.
     And much the way I collect these small branches and flowers, perhaps we all choose what we gather and bring home from our wanderings in the world. Perhaps we choose consciously, or perhaps, unconsciously. Do we bring home anger and violent thoughts and arrange them on our faces for the people we love to feast upon? Or do we bring home uplifting happenings and amusing tales from our day? What do we notice? What occupies our attention as we walk past?
     Let's bring awareness to the things we pick up, and to the things we carry into our homes when we return there from work, or from other adventures. Let's choose wisely. Let's be sure to gather and carry those things which inspire us to restoration and joy.

As I go through my day I gather positive experiences and pleasant interchanges to bring home to the people I love. I collect the things that restore my spirit and fill me with joy, and the rest, I pass by.

NO GOING BACK

     Change is unsettling. There is a desire to back paddle to what we knew, and where we have just come from. Even if we didn't like it, it was familiar. Something about the unfamiliar feels dangerous, as if it has the power to topple us entirely, to disintegrate all that we have spent so long getting in order in our lives and in our minds, like the tower-building-game, or houses made of cards. We have invested so much work in getting right with our current situation, and then the whole thing shifts in a moment, in a second, in a day. It is the collapse of all we knew, and a flat landscape, a fresh start. Not knowing how things will play out or how the change might make us feel as we go through it is almost nauseating. It seems as if we are being thrown into a wash cycle and that we will spin and spin and never stop.
     Yet much as we might want to retreat and go back, we cannot. A return to the old as it was is no longer possible. We have glimpsed other pathways, and lived them briefly, and we will never be the same again. There is nothing for it but to plunge onward, to fumble as we must, and to accept that we are likely to feel uncomfortable for a while. If we bring enough awareness and courage to it, perhaps we can embrace the uncomfortableness, and have fun with ourselves and laugh as we bluster through our adjustment the best we can.
     Patience has never been my strongest suit. I am action oriented, quick thinking, efficient. I find it excruciating to dip, and wade, and slowly meander through life situations. I want to be there already. I want to understand what's required and get it done, then move on. Yet change requires great patience, and a whole lot of letting go. I am allowed small moments of clear seeing peace but live through hours of blind discomfort, not understanding, wanting to fix how I feel and knowing there is no fix, only the process, the process... the process of letting go of the familiar and grieving it, my wrestling mental journey with its new expectations, the faith, the fortitude, and all of my fears.

I accept the path of change. I allow myself to be emotionally messy, and frequently confused. I am unsure going forward, but there is no other way to go. I step forth with all the courage I have, and trust in my faith.

ATTITUDE DETERMINES THE DAY

     Attitude really is everything. If I have a pleasant, receptive attitude, I can enjoy my entire day. I can travel through it and let it unfold. If I don't burden myself with hostile, dark thoughts and a sense of being "done-to" by life, it all goes smoothly. If I trust whatever is happening; if I accept myself and however I am feeling, and the circumstances that surround me, I can have a great day, every day!
     I can make my whole life an adventure instead of a chore, an opportunity instead of a sentence, a curiosity instead of a judgment, and a blessing instead of a curse. It's possible. It's available, and there's only one requirement. I have to get out of the driver's seat. I have to let go of my grasping desire for the way I think things should go, stop trying to force everything and everybody in my chosen direction, and just let it all be as it is: people and the weather and traffic and my physical state, all of it. If I am willing to allow whatever happens to happen without fighting or whining, I can feel relaxed. If I let whatever runs the big life show to run it, and just watch and participate however it gives me joy, and be curious about what I don't understand but trust in the greater good, and stop grabbing for things and start saying thank you for whatever comes instead, I can be happy. I can be at peace. I can be right where I am supposed to be, and enjoy myself being there.

I welcome the day! I do not fight and struggle and push my agenda. I let it all be what it is, and take pleasure in the experience of the hours passing.

THE PLAN FOR OVERWHELM

     When I am overwhelmed with things to do, what helps me most is a plan. I take a few minutes to list everything on a piece of paper and look at it. Some things on the list I simply do not have to get done right now, and I cross them off. My priority is for right now. Still, the list seems impossible so I break it down further.
     There are always things I have to do, things I want to do, and things I need to do. The needs have to do with self-care and cannot be skipped, though some of them may not even have made my list; things like meals, and breaks, and sleep. I have to include them somehow in my plan or I will not be able to sustain my momentum. On the "have to" list, I prioritize most to least urgent, and if I am really crunched for time, I let go of my entire list of "want-tos."
     I resolve to let perfectionism go and accept in advance that I can only do what I can do and no more. I'm not expecting miracles. Contrary to what many of us believe, we don't always have to do our very best work... sometimes we just have to do the work period. I start on the most urgent "have-to" and set a reasonable "stop" time. I commit to stop even if I'm not finished, and move on to the next thing. A little bit of everything is better than a lot of nothing.
     The plan helps me focus and gives me a scaffolding on which to balance. It supports me and directs me, and somehow or other, everything always ends up getting done.

I stay calm when faced with too much to do. I take a few minutes to make a list and to make a plan. I do not skip meals or skip sleep. I take a deep breath and begin.