Monday, September 26, 2011


     I can play out an entire drama in my head. It may be triggered by some external situation, but the drama itself is not external. It's all in my thinking. I create a plot, an expectation or fear, something that could happen, and then I stage the first act. How would I react if such and thus actually did happen? How would I feel? How would it effect my relationships? How would others in the play react? What would it mean?
     And then, I go deeper still: act two. I build resentments. I suffer. Others suffer. There is the need for confrontation and a desire to escape. And all of this plays out on some level under the surface while I go through my days smiling and working and enjoying myself, getting things done and sleeping and waking.
     In subtle pockets of idle mind time, the plot in my head thickens and develops. Not infrequently, my body reacts to the story line as if it were real. I get headaches, feel tension. A cold starts to come on. And when the mental noise becomes loud enough, I suddenly realize what's happened. This is the beginning of act three: resolution. I remember that none of it is actual, and that all is speculative, but nonetheless, something within me has been clarified. I have worked through something. I have understood what bothers me, or what scares me, and I move forward a bit more evolved. I feel better within myself, and relieved that I am on the other side. I sigh deeply.
     And then I have to laugh at myself, because I feel as if I've been through something big, but nothing has actually happened! I'm sure it has it's purpose, and I'm quite sure I'm not alone in this kind of internal drama, but what insanity! It's a good reminder to keep my sense of humor and not to take myself too seriously.

I don't get so caught up inside my head that I forget what's actually happening in front of me. The hooks of my thinking will hang me if I let them. I keep my sense of humor and remember that it's just thinking.