Saturday, February 26, 2011


    "The chains of habit are too small to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken."    
 ~Samuel Johnson~

     Habits sneak up on me. Some of them are positive and healthy habits and they serve my greater good, and some of them are not. Sometimes I engage in stealth activities, making them my little secret and my little treat. They feel indulgent and I justify deserving them for all of the hardships and frustrations of life. They begin innocently enough.
      And then, unbeknownst to me, they get a grip on me and I begin to think about them, and plan around them, and feel a certain urgency around protecting "my right" to them. I do not speak of them to others. An inner restlessness grows inside of me. I feel agitated, and sigh internally if people and responsibilities take me away from the pursuit of my secret treats. They become my reward and my justification... and ultimately, my prison. If there are things I do in my life that I cannot speak of to others, it's a red flag.
     I heard an interesting definition for addiction the other day that resounded within me like one of those lingering meditation bells; that an addiction is anything I hide. If I am hiding something, the likelihood is that I am ashamed of it, perhaps because I don't believe that I really deserve it, or that my friends and family may not think I deserve it. I am afraid that they will scorn me or make fun of me for doing something nice for myself. And the truth is that they might, if I do not own it and claim it for myself, with respect and clarity, and with my feet square on the earth. When I hide anything, I end up punishing myself.

It's ok for me to treat myself, to do the things I love, and to take time for me.
I do not have to hide.