Wednesday, February 23, 2011


     I consider myself to be a woman of high integrity. I have a good work ethic and perform consistently to the best of my ability. I make an effort to go over and above what is expected. I show up on time. I am honest and reliable. I do what I say I am going to do. At the end of most days I can comfortably say that I gave my best effort, and that I contributed something worthwhile to those I encountered, and to the job at hand.
     But when it comes to speaking up, and living "in integrity" with myself, honoring my inner tugs and being incorruptable, I often fall short. It is not infrequent for me to feel one way on the inside and speak something directly opposite on the outside, like saying yes when I want to say no, agreeing to do something my that my insides are silently screaming out against. I have improved greatly over the years, but I still hear the squeaky voice justifying the merits of something I know my heart cannot fully embrace. And whenever I agree to something against my better judgment, there is always a price to pay.
     The grand illusion is that it is somehow "right" for me to overburden myself, to complicate my life in order to please someone else, or worse, to do for others because I don't trust them to do for themselves, or else think them uncapable. I get this idea sometimes that I am some kind of super human with no limits. There is arrogance and martyrdom in taking on what I have no business taking on, and rather than feeling good about it, I feel resentful and burdened, victimized almost, but it was my choice!
     And having made an initial commitment to someone or some venture does not mean that I have no right to change my mind either way depending how things unfold. It is not "in integrity" to follow through on something just because I said I would do it, if circumstances change, and if, to follow through, will require extreme sacrifice and hardship on my part, and martyrdom. It is ok for me to change my mind. It is my responsibility to speak up for the tides of my heart. There is no one else who will.
     And so, today, I choose to honor myself and to speak my truth, whatever that may be. As long as I am honest and refrain from being flippant, it is entirely possible and acceptable that what was one thing last week is another today. Change and uncertainty are the nature of life, and my heart callings are no different. Walt Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then. I contradict myself." It is as it should be, and it's ok.

"If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off of the floor."