I've been thinking about the way I sometimes talk to myself internally. I am quick to judgment and ciriticsm. I tell myself I'm an idiot, riduculous, stupid, a mess, too fat, thighs too thick, talk too much, too sensitive, all kinds of negativity... almost in jest at times, but I'm still using the words and directing them towards myself. I can think these things in passing on even the best of days, when everything is going well. If I trip, or fumble my words, or do something awkward, the thought follows like instinct: "You're such an idiot."
Why do I do this? Is it leftover childhood stuff? And if I treat myself with such carelessness, how can I expect others to treat me any better? I would never in my wildest dreams say to anyone else some of the things I say to myself. And I apologize too much, for things that don't require apologies. I apologize less than I used to, but it's still more than is necessary.
So today I commit to bringing higher awareness to my self directed thoughts and words, to treat myself with civility and kindness, compassion even. Before I can gracefully receive love from others, I must learn to give it to myself.
