Friday, February 25, 2011


     Sometimes, darkness overcomes me. Like a thick fog, I cannot see through it, or beyond. It encompasses me utterly. I attempt to startle myself out of it. I have tools. I have been taught to use gratitude, positive thoughts, action and distraction, but those don't always move my mood. There is stubbornness in my sadness. Some part of me knows I am supposed to be there, and stay until I have touched the source.
     I have heard that we continually shift in life, back and forth, from total vision to absolute blindness. In total vision I am open to love, and express it in every action. I laugh easily, and smile. I see joy inducing beauty in nature and in all the people I encounter.
     When I am blind, I am blocked to love. I feel lonely in a primal way. I can be pleasant and cheerful, but inside I am flat. I have lost my hope. I long to flip a switch and be restored to the light, but I cannot. If I resist, my shadow comes out sideways. I overeat. I overdo. I explode in anger. I burst into tears.
     I am learning to care for my darkness when it comes, to respect it and know that it has something to teach me. I must get quiet and learn the lesson or it will linger indefinitely. If I allow it to be, there is softness to it, and a sad kind of beauty. Almost always, at the core, below my circular resentments and desire to blame others, there is fear in me, or guilt, or shame. These, for me, are the big three. Sometimes it takes longer than others... wondering... wandering through my feelings. What am I afraid of?
     When I touch the truth, a swell of emotion rises in me. In a moment of understanding, I am freed. "Oh... that's what this is about." Sudden clarity comes after hours in the dark. Light pierces the fog. I am ashamed because I was wrong and I wanted so much to be right. Or I am afraid that I am unlovable, that I am "bad." Or I have convinced myself that some horror is coming and will suffocate my life because in the past I have been suffocated. I am often reacting to something from the past and have to remember that this is now, and I have grown.

Today, I will give myself a break. I will allow my feelings to teach me about my heart.