A part of me wants to know outcomes so I can figure out how to feel emotionally, as if my feelings and actions are dictated by external situations, or need to be. The truth is that I can be ok and feel calm and joyful no matter what the circumstances of my life may be. I have this historical sense that everything in my world needs to be settled and ok before I can be settled and ok which is co-dependent of me and lacks faith. I understand intellectually and from experience that everything works out for the best in the end, but this business of waiting patiently for things to unfold, trusting that all will be just as it should be and I will know what I need to know when I need to know it is challenging, and some days more than others.
We have been in contract on this farm for three months and the last ring of fire has been jumped through: the appraisal. We are waiting to discover whether it has burned the deal or we are cleanly through and moving on to closing. Hopefully, Monday, we will know for sure one way or another.
But today I have been restless inside and craving certainty, wondering how to feel. Should I continue to invest my heart and future thoughts around the details of this property or be considering plan "B"? I guess feeling unsure and uncertain but full of faith is about as good as it gets today; that we will be steered correctly to whatever is the next best step in our lives, that if it doesn't work out there is a reason beyond our limited vision.
I did enjoy the sunshine this afternoon and a walk in the fresh air. I was somewhat productive and somewhat reflective. I ate a delicious bowl of cereal for breakfast with almonds and walnuts and cherries and my favorite fizzy Emergen-c drink. I have a man to love who loves me and we are both healthy. I am blessed in ways I know and ways I don't know. I can trust the future but part of me is afraid to let go of my expectations about the way I've pictured it. I am willing to let go. I am willing to trust. I am willing to wait with grace but unsure...