MY NEED TO KNOW

     I have a tendency to resist the unfolding process of things in my life. I want to know exactly what's coming and what I will have to deal with, so I can deal with it, and move on, and not be left drifting indefinitely in a sea of waiting and not-knowing. If suffering is imminent, then I want the full blow all at once and early on so I can get it over with as quickly as possible.
     At least, that's what I think I want. But actually, there is beauty in the maybe phase of things. In the indefinite mist of uncertainty is the dim outline of all possibility. I think I want clarity- yes and no, cut and dry, checkmarks on a list- done, done, done, but life is not meant to be clean and tidy and all put away. It's meant to be lived-in and constantly revolving: messy sometimes, and confusing. It's meant to be glory and compassion, heights and depths, hope, and doubt. I want to learn to trust whatever comes and stop my urgent and tyrannical desire to know what I don't yet know.

I curiously welcome the unfolding process of my life. There is nothing I need to know until I know it.