Monday, June 27, 2011


     I sometimes underestimate the effect of hunger and exhaustion on my spirits. If I am hungry, and this is physical need-to-eat- kind of hunger, not emotional hunger which is rooted in something different, I feel on edge. I am shaky and irritable and I feel almost frantic, fearful, and negative, as if nothing is happening fast enough or the way I want it to and I just might explode if things don't change pretty quickly. I know these are hungry symptoms because they are utterly resolved by eating, and I am almost immediately restored to calmness inside and a certain sense of emotional stability and groundedness.
     Physical and mental exhaustion are equally dislodging, but manifest differently. I get misemotional and overwhelmed. I feel as if there is just too much to do and I cannot possibly do it. I feel drained and empty and frustrated. I am willing in some way, but limited by my physicality, which makes me angry. I am not very graceful about accepting my limitations. I want to be able to do everything and be everything and make time for everything, and do it all without needing to eat or rest.
     Certainly there is a part of me that enjoys taking care of myself and relaxing and dining on all of the succulent variety of tastes, but I want to do it on my terms. There's something about being forced to eat or rest out of necessity because I have hit some kind of wall that makes me feel weak or something. I resisit my own human-ness.
     It's ok to have limits. Although I have always done it, there's no real percentage in pushing myself to the edge of the envelope and beyond. What am I trying to prove? Today, I accept my limitations. I eat when I need to and stop physically when my body starts to whine. Going faster and farther and faster still and filling my life and my days with more things and activities and more yet again gets me nothing but misemotional and frantic and living on nerves. I can make a better choice today. I can be kind to myself.

I commit to not overdoing in any way today. I commit to reasonable and calm and grounded. I accept my limitations and am ok with not being able to do it all.