EXPRESSING PREFERENCES

     Sometimes in life, when I am asked a question, I respond that I don't care. And sometimes, the answer really doesn't matter to me, and I am ok no matter which way the situation tips. But sometimes, I do care. I have a specific preference that I feel unsure or guilty about articulating, so I pretend not to care.
     Secretly, I am hoping someone else will decide to go in the direction of my preference and I will get the credit for being flexible and get what I want at the same time. It doesn't always play out like that though. If I don't express a preference and then things tilt away from where I want to go, I have to fight with myself to not cop a resentment. What insanity!
     It's ok for me to care about things, no matter how small they might seem. I can express my preference without being crushed if it doesn't happen. But if I opt out of this kind of self-expression, I devalue my particular take on life. I am acting from false humility. My motives for "not caring" in this way are not honest. I want to learn to speak up when asked my opinion, and not pretend that I don't care... when, in fact, I do. Sometimes, I actually care deeply. What merit is there in pretending that I don't?

Today I am going to trust that my personal vision has value and have the courage to express my preferences.

A GOOD REMINDER

     I heard a teaching story the other day that struck a profound chord within me. It has changed the way I think about the future and focused my awareness such that I catch myself needlessly fretting and am able to return to presence and inner calm.
     A man was traveling a long journey on foot, through woods and over mountains. He knew that there was a river ahead and worried obsessively about what he would do when he got to it. He was afraid he would not be able to cross, that the water would be too high, the current too strong, the distance too wide. He knit his brow and held tension in his neck worrying over how he would cross that river... when the entire time, unbeknownst to him, there was a bridge.

Instead of fretting and worrying over the future today, and trying to figure it all out in advance, I will trust that there will be a bridge.

ALLOWING OTHERS THIER FREEDOM

     I sometimes catch myself thinking I know better what someone needs to do or say or incorporate into his life than he knows himself. I am sure that if he or she would only take my suggestion, then all would be well. But it's a grand fallacy. What works for me, what is just the ticket for my well-being, might be all wrong for another. I can share my experience and let it rest in the air and space between us. If it resonates, then I must trust the other to pick it up and integrate it. It is not my job to push it into her internal space. To do so would be a violation and demonstrate a fundamental lack of respect.
     I must allow others to be where they are, especially if I don't want them thrusting their opinions on me. We all have to go through the processes we have to go through in order to arrive at our decision points and our moments of action and surrender. We cannot be told how to master some art and then expect to be masters. We must follow the learning curve ourselves and evolve our own spirits and footsteps to the heightening mountain of knowledge. We must all discover the truth for ourselves.

I will not push unsolicited opinions on others today, or presume to know what they may need.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT

     It comes easily to think of things that happen in my life as being "good" or "bad," and to react accordingly with depression or happiness, with feelings of being punished by fate or blissfully rewarded, but the truth is that before I attach my judgement to something, to anything, it is purely neutral and absolute possibility, nothing more than that. And additionally, I never know what ramifications could follow some seemingly dark event that end up turning it into the best thing that ever happened.
     I don't really know what anything means. That's the real truth. If I bring awareness to my insides, I can make a conscious decision to remain open minded and wait for more information before I crash and burn with "bad news." It feels scary to think that way. I have a lifetime of historical reactive behavior. I am utterly swept up by implied drama, by feelings of "Oh, my God! This is horrible! This is the worst possible thing." or else it's "Incredible! Awesome! I'm the luckiest person alive!"
     I want to learn to live my life with equanimity and grace, to not get swept up in self-created tides of drama, to accept what comes and trust that it will serve it's purpose in my life, whatever that may be. I might need to learn a lesson in patience, or be ready for a new creative challenge, or have an opportunity to confront and disperse something difficult from my past that is holding me back. I believe that life is designed for growing, and that everthing happens for a reason, and that when I don't learn my lessons, they come at me harder and repeat themselves over and over until I accept them. I want to relax enough and trust enough that I can learn to accept them without struggle or angst. I want to accept them ever better as they come.

I will reserve my judgment today about everything that happens and who I meet. I will be neutral. I am willing to wait and see.

FRUITLESS APPROVAL SEEKING

     I am able to see when my children are acting in ways to win my approval. And I witness my son making choices and expressing opinions to be pleasing to my fiance. He seems tied up in figuring and fretting over how to keep all of the adults in his world happy with him. It makes me sad. Only in between his pleasing activities does he find bits and pieces of his own true heart calling him and urging him.
     The irony is that he already has the approval of all of those whose approval he seeks. So the only real approval missing must be one of himself for himself. When I realized this yesterday it came like a clear light; that I do the same, that we all do. The ones we love the most, the ones who love us already, are the ones we try to impress by doing what we think they want us to do. When all they really want us to do is express our own energies in the ways that come most naturally to us. That's what I want for my children, and I believe that's what they want for me.
     Once again, the solution to personal angst is frustratingly simple. It is simply to be... to be who we are, how we are, and where we are without apology or drama; to be ok in our own skins, able to express our own happiness and our own fear, to not worry so much about what everybody else thinks of us and to stop trying to elicit predictable emotions and reactions in others by what we do or say. Doing that, thinking we have control over the way other people respond to us, is a heavy weight to carry, and pressure inappropriately placed. To each his own applies accross the board.

I do not need to seek anyone's approval today. Those who matter most in my life approve of me already, just as I am.

NO BULLIES ALLOWED

     Growing up I learned to avoid confrontation. Raised voices and angry people scared me. I preferred to take the blame even if it was not mine to take than to stand up and risk any kind of battle. I apolgized and slumped my shoulders before those who abused me. I took whatever was doled out and then slunk away after the storm to lick my wounds in private.
     I understand now that if I allow others to overpower me with their growling anger they become bigger and bigger. Apologies and ownership of blame do not diffuse the situation. They make bullies more aggressive. I must balance energy with energy. If someone comes at me strong and nasty, I must balance the strength with my "no." If someone rises up at me and I shrink, she rises up bigger, but if I rise up to meet her, she recedes. It's a kind of natural law, and I'm grateful to understand it, even if I'm not great at rising up.
     I need not get mad. I need not get quiet. I need only speak my truth with a firm voice, and indicate that my boundaries are steadfast and that I am ready and able to protect myself. It's empowering and important work. Being assertive is a gift to myself.

I will not shrink before aggression. I am equal to any bully.

GOOD LIVING

     I cannot effectively handle the challenges and activiies of my life without enough sleep. I sometimes think I can get away with four hours, or six, but the truth is that too little sleep drags me down. I have heavy limbs and thick thoughts. I am not crisp and clear. Early to bed, as Ben Franklin suggested, is a demonstration of wisdom. And eating well is another, and a daily dose of silence. And body movement matters too. I have to stay physically loose and limber. I need my physical strength. I need to walk and stretch and move my spine in arcs.
     It's so easy, too easy, to let my self-care slide. I can pretend that none of it is particularly important. I can eat sloppily and push myself too far burning the candle at both ends. And sometimes I can manage for a few days that way, but it catches up with me and life loses it's pleasure. Small things become overwhelming and my emotions become flimsy and see-through like tissue paper. I rip easily. I cry easily. And I get frustrated that I should be so fragile.
     If, on the other hand, I make healthy choices, I get fruitful benefits. I feel good and life is fun and easy to take, full of humor and adventure and beauty. So it's worth it to me to do the right things, even if they might seem "boring" on some level. There is a high cost for rowdy living, and it's far easier to keep up with good sleep and good food than it is to catch up.
     I want the good life, but it's not what I once thought. It's not wild party nights and questionable bedfellows. It's steady and reasonable progression to ever higher levels of care, for my body, my mind, and my spirit. The rewards are inner richness and calm assurance and the ability to handle anything life presents with courage and grace.

I will take good care of myself today. I will eat well, move a little, sit quietly, and get enough sleep.