Monday, January 23, 2012


     It's a tricky deal if we repress our emotions, because if we are repressing them, how do we know what they are? And if we don't express them, then they come out sideways in moodiness and despair, overwhelm and frustration, which, of course, we don't want... so what to do? Perhaps, the first step is to recognize when something is amiss within us, to identify when we feel inexplicably discombobulated, or suddenly touchy and irritable, like a hair trigger, ready to explode- and for no good reason that we can readily identify.
     And then, from all of my experience, I think we have to wait. We acknowledge that there's a problem and then open ourselves to understanding, which may or may not come quickly. For me, when it does come, it's usually in a kind of conversational purge. I don't want to say something about some little thing that's bothering me, that seems insignificant and unimportant. I hold myself back. And then, like a pressure cooker, the pressure builds until I cannot hold it anymore, and I blurt out what I'm thinking... and then like the endless handkerchief out of the magician's hat, another thought follows and another and another, sometimes mixed with tears and emotion and who knew I had all that going on inside of me but here it comes.
     And then, I feel better.
     I am learning to trust the process of working through things. I have always wanted to handle them, be past them, get over them, and move on. But the hard emotional stuff inside of us bubbles up in little bits at a time, and has to be processed the same way: slowly, sometimes almost surreptitiously, and steadily... steadily as it comes up.

I recognize when I am less then comfortable on the inside and open to whatever within me might be wanting expression. I don't blame others for what's going on. I am patient. I trust the working-through process, and I wait for the ability to understand.