Tuesday, February 15, 2011


     I've thought more today about all or nothing thinking, and realized that it happens naturally in my effort to establish certainty, even though certainty is not possible. In truth, everything is variable: love, wisdom, energy, health...you name it. Moods and feelings and circumstances change like the weather and the wind. In the acceptance of variability there is hope in any situation, and equally the possibility of loss. If I know that something will not last I am more likely to savor it while I am experiencing it,
     So much of my life has been focused around points of arrival and the achievement of goals. If something I have gone after or worked towards happens, I am vindicated and worthy; if not, then I am a victim and poor me. I have expectations about how particular outcomes will make me feel. I expect to be happy or disappointed depending. But I am discovering that feelings are not determined by one thing or another happening or not happening, but by a whole host of life's variables- what did I have for lunch, how did I sleep, am I feeling open to love or shut down and fearful, what's the weather like, and who have I encountered in my day? All of these things affect my response to outcomes.
     It looks as if our house is going to come through after all, and the reality of that has been sinking in slowly all day like gentle rain, softening the buffer I have built within me to absorb the disappointment if it hadn't turned out this way. I would have predicted exhaultation and excitement as my feeling response to such an outcome, and instead I feel a kind of weepy overwhelm and physical loosening.
     What happens in life may not be the determiner of my feelings so much as I once thought. It is how I go about the art of living, and how I care for my body and my mind. If I am spiritually fit and open hearted I see everything as learning experience and possibility. I am able to be patient and compassionate. If I am blocked and fretful, then whatever happens is a burden and everyone I meet is a potential source of irritation.
     It's not realistic for me to predict the future and decide what I want. How do I know? I believe I am meant to move forward in the direction I am called, and to remain open to changing course as often as necessary, and remain open to changing my mind. Life, it seems to me, is the experience of what is, not the manufacture of what I think it should be. What is is perfect. What I think and project is riddled with fallacy and a lack of distance vision.