At first, there is a sense of disbelief, as if whatever it is has to happen simply because I am counting on it emotionally. And then there is irritation, anger, frustration; a sense of injustice and bitter discouragement, which lead to depression and why bother feelings. Then I get to bargaining with myself. I do a bit of sour grapes approach- maybe it wouldn't have been so great after all, and then look for hints of possible goodness coming out of the switch. I project alternative outcomes and ways to organize my time. Well, maybe it can work this way... Often I am still trying to get a piece of what I had hoped for in the beginning, but usually with a certain sense of futility knowing inside somehow that I'm playing with mental alternatives to try and soothe myself. When in reality, it's just a changed situation, and I need to adapt.
I would like to be able to come to instant acceptance, and sometimes I rail against myself for not being more spontaneously flexible and able to go with the flow wherever it goes. But I'm learning. I'm beginning to understand that there is an emotional process, and that's just the way it is. I can get to acceptance, but I have to move through denial, frustration, and deal making first. It's like taking a train from New York to LA. There are stations to pass through along the way, and some of the stops are longer than others.
Things are constantly moving and shifting, both internally and externally. It's ok to be wherever I am in all the processes of my life.
