GOODBYE EMMA

     A friend of mine is moving away, overseas, back to England. In the past it has always been me leaving. I've moved a lot in my life. So the feelings I am feeling are new for me. I'm excited for her, for her new adventure and the clean slate of such a grand scale fresh start, but I feel the loss of her going. She has become part of my weekly life, part of my days in an integral way. My throat chokes when I consider the reality of her not being there every day with her smile and her energy. I've become accustomed to reading her moods from across the gym floor. I look for them. I've become accustomed to the cycles of her ups and downs. She is familiar. As my boss and client both, she has been central to the world at work that I have come to know and love. I'm going to miss her.
     It's my natural inclination to be more flippant about her departure than I feel, to brush it off, sluff it away with comments of how soon we will see each other again and how we will continue our friendship online. But it feels more honest to honor the closure of this time, of this particular closeness we have shared these last two years, because it's changing and will never be quite this way again. Of course we will continue to be friends. I will be delighted to hear of her travelings and struggles and joys, as she will mine, and we will keep in touch, but she will never again populate my daily experience the way she does now.
     And so, more than anything else just now, it's a time to feel sad. It's a time to process the transition, to say goodbye and wish her well but to allow for the choking feeling inside of me that rises up and sinks again like waves. It's time to allow for a few tears and the simple and deep feeling of "I am going to miss you!" to express itself. Otherwise I will supress it and overeat instead. I will crave sweets and indulge my craving and feel restless and irritable and not understand what's happening. I'm not sure why it is so challenging to admit what I feel, why I try to pretend I don't feel it and to cover it up, whatever it is. I'm willing to feel my sadness today. I am willing to feel whatever I feel without self-consciousness or shame.

I will be honest with myself today and express what I feel so that it doesn't get repressed and come out sideways.