TIME ALONE

     I enjoy solitude. There is something incomprably freeing and delicious about having a chunk of uninterrupted time to myself, to do as I please, to be a slob, or read beyond my ordinary allotted reading time, or sit and do nothing, or be busy to the point of dizziness without anyone's judgment or opinion to reign me in or urge me onward. I can do as I please, that's the beauty of it, without having to be sensitive to how someone else feels, or what someone else needs. It's my time to let it all hang out. Some people seem to be able to do this even in the company of others, but I never have been. I am highly sensitive to the moods and inclinations of whoever is in my space.
     I have accumulated shame over the years in the fact that I need my time and space alone, and have surreptitiously snuck it in bits and pieces, sure that my universe would never support me in my "selfish" desire. But I feel differently about it these days. It really is something I need for my health and well-being. Solitude restores me and replenishes me. I am not a loner, or an isolationist. I am, in fact, a people person. I love people! I love their company and humor and perspective on life that is different from my own. I need people too, and I know that. I need people and I need time alone. I need both. It's a balance.
     I used to grab for solitude, make plans for it and protect it secretly and aggressively because I was afraid to simply assert my need for it. I was sure that others would not approve. How indulgent of me to need space. But I'm realizing that it's ok. It's ok to be who I am and to feel restored in the way I feel restored. No apologies, no guilt, and no shame. I am tired of all that. It's been long enough. Those emotions have run my life for years, and right here, right now, I stand willing to take my life back.

Needing time and space alone is ok. I can ask for it without guilt.