Saturday, April 16, 2011


     I have a distinct tendency towards intensity. Sometimes, doing the simplest of activities, like fixing myself a cup of tea, or driving down the road, I find my muscles flexed and my movements jam-packed with an urgent sense of power and energy being held back. I catch myself and relax. Fingers spread, my back loosens, and I take a deep breath. I am able to let go and settle down, almost like water pouring out of one of those huge cups at a kiddie pool. It is relieved of the weight. It swings empty for a brief second, back and forth, and then it begins to fill up again. My amplifieded energy returns.
     When I am like that, generally it is because I am fired up on all circuts with the excitement and passion of living the span of life I am just then living. I am full of juice for the project I am working on, for the destination towards which I am headed, for the excitement of my thinking, the clarity of some revelation, and the desire to excell.
     It's a very different experience for me to float through the hours uninspired, to feel flat and lethargic. That's a rare occurence in my world. I am not "mellow" by nature. I am excitable and easily triggered into passion. It's not angry or "hot" feeling. It's absolute THRILL and the vibration of living love and wanting to share my joy.
     I have a belief system which tells me there might be something wrong and undesirable about being so full of energy. I should calm down, care less, go with the flow without the need to speak up or move physically. But I have a voice and a body and so much life inside of me! I can't sit still on the inside. I have my experience and take on things, my desire to learn and exchange ideas. When I am with people, I want to engage. I want to participate. I want to listen and share. I am quiet and observant until I am ready to contribute, until I understand how I can contribute, and then I want to jump in with both feet. I'm not afraid to get wet. And if I stop myself from jumping in, I squash myself down. I feel on the outside of things. The only way in is to open my mouth.
     I reflect and soften when I am alone. I quiet and consider. And then I return to shared living and all of my bubbles rise up again, my excitement and irresistable sense of possibility. I don't apologize for it today. I am grateful and blessed to feel so much love inside of me ever bursting to get out.

There is no shame in living fully and experiencing life with passion and the excitement of all possibility.