BALANCE

     Life balances itself with give and take, but I have always landed a bit heavy on the "give" side of that equation. I am better at giving. It feels good, and I never have to worry about owing anyone anything in return. I receive gifts from others a bit self-consciously. I am unsure, maybe feel undeserving, definitely awkward. But I do recognize that it's easy and entirely possible to become imprisoned by giving too much, to become utterly dried up from giving. I've been there; shrunken and soul sick and desperate to isolate from all those who seem to demand so much of me. In the past, more than I care to admit, I've allowed the act of giving to become my martyrdom.
     Replenishment is necessary, and just as I love to give, I must allow others to give to me. It's a riduculous false humility in me that wants to refuse the kindness and generosity of those who love me, and yes, I am loved, even if I have a hard time believing it. I remain a bit skeptical. I have an old idea that I have to earn the love I receive by good acts in an outward direction.
     But it occurred to me yesterday, as I sat outdoors in the delicious warm spring air watching people of all races and body types walk by me, with the sounds of the city lulling me into thoughtless awareness and inner peace, that if I can be fully present and open to each experience without resistance, then life itself is an ongoing, never ending, delightful, surprising, rewarding, inspirational, gift, and I am meant to receive it, gracefully and gratefully and with a full heart. It's not about earning brownie points, or letting others earn theirs. True giving is not motivated by anything, and receiving is the same. It is simply love sent out and reflected back, a perfect natural balance of give and take.

Let me graciously receive the gift of life today.