SHAME IN THE STRANGEST OF PLACES

     I realized just now that I love what I do for a living. It seems bizarre to have come to this point, all this way, only to realize that as the truth at last. For years I have considered my job as a stop-gap, a place to park until my kids grew up and I found a "real" job- something corporate, something with upward mobility, a place where I make better money and get benefits, a proper kind of "career" if you will. I have thought that's what the world expects of me. Certainly, it's what my father has always expected of me.
     But my father is not speaking to me for reasons of his own, and some kind of corporate "career" is not really what I want. I'm a Personal Trainer at a gym, and it's hard work and early hours but I love it. I love my clients and I love the exercise and I love helping people lose weight and be fit and feel ever better physically. I have energy and creativity for each day and each hour. If I wake up feeling stiff and in any way unmotivated, by the time I have interacted with my first client for ten minutes I am utterly refreshed. I help my clients and my clients help me.
     It's interesting that on some level I have been unable to be honest enough with myself until now to admit that the gym is my element. It suits me, and the idea of leaving it for the pusuit of something I believe to be more culturally acceptable has always made me hesitate. Now I know why. I know why my eyes fill when a client does her first pull-up after weeks of preparatory effort, and why the success of those I work with is always my success as well. Moving steadily towards goals of health and wellness in a combined way feels like important work to me. It's fulfilling, and I love being part of it.

I can be honest today about what I love to do. I need not ever feel shame for following my heart.