Perhaps I expect life to stretch me to my outside limit because that is how far I habitually stretch myself. I set the bar and establish the standard for the treatment of me and my load-carrying capacity. And I know from history that I am capable of carrying a full-sized load. But that doesn't leave any room in my life for new ventures. I seem to get a certain twisted charge out of pushing myself beyond all reason, and then feel annoyed when I am tired and burnt out. I live in a kind of maxed-out state just barely making it from one day to the next. At least, that's how it feels sometimes.
And on some level, I recognize that such a feeling is entirely un-necessary, and that I can change my attitude, if nothing else, and feel more spacious and more relaxed, but I don't, and here's the result: I'm afraid of new things. There's a saying that if nothing changes, then nothing changes, and that's where I am. But I can change. I can change the whole dynamic by bringing conscious awareness to the way I over-fill my life, and take on less in every way. I can take on less effort and less stress and less responsibility. I can not do, and I can delegate, and ask for help, and take a break when I need one. It's up to me. I want to allow room for wonderful new things to infiltrate my days, and I can. All it takes is my willingness.
If I feel like a martyr, then I must be one, and it's up to me to ease up and back off and take the time I need to allow for free space in my life.
